


all the things that eat you up inside

by ahsoka



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Clementine Needs a Hug (Walking Dead), Healing, Loss of Limbs, Multi, Starting Over, relationships are background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22250734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahsoka/pseuds/ahsoka
Summary: It’s going to be hell, but it’s always been hell, and maybe this time it all feels a little bit more like home.Clementine isn't sure how to deal with everything she's lost.
Relationships: AJ | Alvin Jr. & Clementine (Walking Dead), Clementine & Kenny (Walking Dead), Clementine & Lee Everett, Clementine & Louis (Walking Dead: Done Running), Clementine/Violet (Walking Dead: Done Running)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	all the things that eat you up inside

The first few times she’d come to, it was hazy-- almost heavenly.

Everything was a blur, of Violet and AJ and bare white walls. There was no pain. No pain, barely anything at all.

When she wakes up now, it’s all she can do not to break down. 

The first time she’d realized what had happened, that AJ had  _ amputated her leg _ instead of killing her, she doesn’t know how to deal. AJ stays in a room with Willy that first night of lucidity, Louis writing a joke about how they both got something chopped and then holding her comfortingly when it makes her cry, and Violet sitting there and holding her hand tightly for hours into the night telling her how much she loves her.

She’s spent the past few days learning how to pull her weight in crutches around her and AJ’s room. Her leg is gone all the way down from her shin. She’s grateful for what AJ did, relieved every moment of the day that she still gets to be here for him and that he’s not alone, but it hurts so bad sometimes that she drops to the floor and lets herself ache, crying until Violet or Louis hear and they rush in to take care of her.

That’s the worst part of it, she thinks. Having to be taken care of. She hasn’t liked anyone taking care of her since Lee died. It was always care for herself, and then care for AJ and herself.

There’s a moment, in the beginning, when she really does breakdown: AJ is keeping himself busy, and she’s pretty sure he thinks she’s still resting. They’ve all kept her progress hidden from him under the wrap of detail-lacking placatives. Everyone else because they want to surprise him, and Clementine because she knows she’s not making much progress at all. 

She sits down on her bed, lets the crutches fall to the floor, and breathes heavily. She stares at the empty space at the end of her leg and cringes. Distantly she remembers a car crash, and Kenny-

She gasps for air.

It was her and AJ, and AJ took that chance. He swung his ax to her leg and knocked her unconscious. He wrapped her wound and carried her back as far as he could, the house surrounded by vicious walkers, the path to the school full of more strays. Even now, she doesn’t know how he did it, not only that but he did all of it for her and he’s only six. She was twelve.  _ Twice his age _ . There wasn’t half as many walkers or half as much distance to the nearest safe zone, but she left Kenny there-- wide awake and conscious and screaming as he was eaten alive.

( _ He’s there, flown out the window, across the road. It’s all her fault it’s all her fault, and AJ won’t stop screaming from in the car and Kenny isn’t moving at all. She races to him, feels for his pulse, feels her own in her throat as they both sit in fear, Kenny unable to move. _

_ “There’s no point!” He shouts, and Clementine can’t breathe. “Go, Clementine! Go! Don’t look back!”) _

She’d told herself for so long that it wasn’t her fault, Kenny  _ told _ her to go. Told her to run, to find safety, to save herself. But she told Alvin Junior the same thing. She’d told him to run, to find the school, to live for himself.

And Alvin Junior, six years old, saved her instead.

She screams into her sheets, hot wet tears flooding from her eyes. He could have lived, she could have saved him, his legs weren’t even gone like hers is, but she wasn’t brave enough. She rocks herself back and forth for hours, pained and thanking anyone who could be listening for giving her such a brave boy.

There are moments after that, too. It’s never as bad as then, but they come and go. Phantom pain reminding her starkly of what she’s lost. Anxious thoughts telling her over and over again that she’s got nothing left, she can’t protect AJ like this. Ridiculing herself for being so childish, so dramatic-- Lee had his arm cut off and he worked himself to death to find her, to take care of her. He didn’t sit cooped up in some dirty room crying himself to sleep, wishing he could do better.

She wishes she were as strong as anyone else thought she was.

Morning comes, and she wakes to soft sunlight on her eyelids and Violet’s hoarse voice coaxing her awake. It takes everything out of her to smile, but she does, leaning forwards and pressing a kiss to her girlfriend’s lips.

“Good morning,” Clementine whispers.

“Hey, sleeping beauty,” Violet answers easily. She steps away so Clementine can stretch out and sit up. “AJ ran off to get some water, he’ll be back any minute. I think today’s the day.”

Clementine grimaces, but she knows she’s right. Violet helps her up and onto her crutches, and for the first time Clementine pulls herself through the hallway and out the door and down the stairs and into the yard.

When she sees him, he’s got a glowing smile, and then he turns to her and it’s like he’s the sun-- bright and beautiful and beaming and she feels the tears in her eyes and the pain and the shame and the guilt she’s kept locked up for the past week (the past  _ nine years) _ slips away from her, leaving her with only love in her heart.

“Hey, goofball,” she says.

“You’re out of bed!” He calls, arms outstretched, running to meet her halfway. 

She’ll still worry. Her situation will take a lot of time to get used to, and she doesn’t think she’ll ever feel completely healed-- she thinks of Lee and Kenny and Luke and Javi and Gabe and everyone else and she aches, thinks of Lilly, still out there somewhere, and drowns herself in the fear.

It’s going to be hell, but it’s always been hell, and maybe this time it all feels a little bit more like home.

  
  


_ - _

_ She’s at the top of the bell tower. This is where everything happened that night with Violet and the stars and the fluttering in her heart. Right now though, the sun is the only star in sight, hovering blindingly in the sky. _

_ “Hey, sweet pea,” a voice says from behind her. She turns and he’s there, standing tall and smile sober, but- “looks like we match.” _

_ She feels the weight of her missing foot slip from under her, and she comes crashing. But Lee is here, and he’s there to catch her, like he always is. He holds her tight, his arms around her, but he’s only got one hand. He’s only got one hand, and she’s only got one foot. _

_ “I didn’t have as much time to get used to it as you will,” he confesses, setting her down gently on the ledge of the roof. He sits next to her, smiling reassuringly. “Care to tell me how everything went?” _

_ She looks up at him. She wants to tell him that they won, that they made it, that she’s okay and so is AJ. But her foot is gone, and James is gone and Tenn is gone and she couldn’t save them all like she’d promised herself, like she’d promised him. She wants to tell him she’s in love. She’s got a girlfriend, and a best friend, and a dog, and her AJ. She wants to tell him how happy she is, and how scared she is that she’s going to be a burden. How she fears that one day they’ll have to run, and she won’t be able to, and she really will have to leave AJ. She wants to tell him that for the first time since the day he saved her from that treehouse, she has hope. _

_ Instead she leans into him, grips his shirt with her fists, and sobs violently into his chest. _

_ “I know,” he consoles as she cries. She cries and she cries and she laughs and she screams and it hurts so bad-- are happy endings supposed to hurt worse than the shitty ones? “I know, darling. Nothing’s ever easy, but you did so good.” _

_ She pulls back and looks at him. The sun shines off his face, highlighting him in gold, and Clementine feels the tears stream down her own. She misses him, so bad. Can almost imagine him old and graying and still taking care of her, seeing her take care of AJ, both of their missing pieces meaning nothing when they’re together. She misses him, so, so, so, so bad. _

_ “I’m so proud of you,” he whispers. The smile on his face is so big, bigger than Clementine thinks she’s ever seen him smile. She’s still crying, and it still hurts, but she can’t help but smile back. _

_ The bell tower tolls once. Lee ruffles her hair, kisses her forehead, and stands.  _

_ “I’ll be seeing you, sweet pea,” he says. “We’re all waiting for you. Just don’t make it too soon, okay? Take care of your boy.” _

_ He walks away, and Clementine turns away. She can’t bear to watch him leave-- in dreams or way back then, gun shaking in her hand and turning away and running and leaving him there. She lets these thoughts dissipate, kicks her legs back and forth off the ledge, staring at what’s gone. She’s lost so much, and she can’t fool herself into believing she won’t lose much much more in the future. But things are going to be okay. She has hope. _

_ The bell tower tolls a second time. She keeps dreaming. _

**Author's Note:**

> i put watching twdg4 off for forever and did it all in a single day and cried for three hours straight and this was born 
> 
> let it be said that i DONT agree with the thoughts i wrote clementine with here. kenny was a full grown man and there really wasnt anything clementine could have done to save him and get both her and aj out of there but i feel like she must feel guilty about it especially now that she can draw similarities to what happened to kenny and what happened to her
> 
> if you spot any spelling/grammar/continuity errors please let me know i would be super grateful!
> 
> thank you for reading! i love you!


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